I Can't
by bonebag
Summary: If confusion was a killer, I'd be dead.   GWHG
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer : Not mine's. JK Rowling's.**

**A/N : More to come. :D**

If confusion was a killer, I'd be dead.

Every single time she looks at me I want to die. She tears off a tiny part of me with every single glance ; she cuts me up with an innocent look, rips me apart with a gaze.

Every single time she looks at me I am reborn. It's like I drown in her gaze, drown in a pool of my own enlightenment. I shed my skin. She makes me want to be a better person.

She's a magnet, and I was a helpless, unsuspecting scrap of metal. She pulled me in, held me in reserve, and now I'm stuck. I'm the deer, she's the headlights. I'm enthralled by her.

_Opposites attract…_

I look at her, I ache for her. I physically ache for her. She makes my hands tremble. She makes my legs tremble. She makes me nervous. She shuts my brain down and turns _me_ on.

She doesn't know. She thinks we're just friends. I'm supposed to be the sensible, logical person when it comes to… this. She even compliments me on these supposed traits. She doesn't _know_.

I lust after her. A year ago, I tried to block this out. I was unsettled by the circumstances. It was _her_. This gradual build up is getting too heavy, too intense, its dragging me _way _down. Now this secret is killing me. I'm on love's deathbed. I'm lusting for her to lust after me.

She doesn't know her effect. That makes me want her more. She's perfect and she's got the scars to prove it. She's brave. She's smart, she's funny, she's… it. She's been through it all with me, she never complains. I am in awe. How could I not want her?

How can I live, without knowing if she feels any where _near_ the same? But how can I live, knowing that for certain she doesn't?

I was in Gryffindor ; I fought in battles to potential mortal death ; I've saved lives ; I've ended lives. But I am a coward. I can't be shot down, I can't live rejected. At least in ignorance my heart is still beating. If I knew for sure she didn't want me back, I wouldn't _have_ a heart.

On the outside I'm… OK. Just _fine_. Inside, I'm crying, screaming out in agony, all for her. This isn't _me._ She's changed me, for the better, for the worse. I want her to want me.

I'm at the peak. I'm at breaking point.

For her I have fell, and I will fall again.


	2. Chapter 1

I lay in bed. _Her _bed. A bed in which we shared a completely platonic and innocent relationship.

I looked at her in her state of peace, I watched her chest steadily rise and fall with every breath. I observed the way her hair sprawled over the pillow we shared and intertwined with mine, creating a startling contrast : straight against wavy, red against brown. I admired her long eyelashes that flicked over her eyelids and cheeks. I traced her nose with my eyes, all along counting the freckles on her smooth skin. I gazed at her cheekbones that led to her chin, her neck, her collarbone… And then I wondered why I was looking. I didn't… no, I _couldn't_… It was _Ginny, _for God's sake.

And then she moaned slightly, half-opened an eye, and turned her head.

I had shut my eyes quickly, blushing deeply, not wanting to get caught staring in the weak light of dawn. But my heart was still beating quickly. That moan…

I turned back towards her. I could see her hair. I was aware of her body pressed against mine, I could feel her hand which was slumped by my thigh. My breathing was shallow. I tried to look away but I couldn't. That night, I realised she was my train wreck.

Eventually, my 18-year -old self drifted off into a sleep filled with confusion and denial.

At that point, I had no idea of just how much of a train wreck Ginny Weasley would be in my life.

----

"Hermione? Hermione, breakfast."

I opened my eyes slowly to see her above me, an apologetic look on her face.

I melted.

"Sorry," she whispered, "But it's mum. She says you need your food… I would have left you, but you know what she's like…"

"No, it's ok," I replied my voice cracking ; I was still shaking off the last signs of sleep.

I yawned and looked at my watch, but I couldn't concentrate on the time.

"Thanks." I added, smiling slightly and sitting up.

Ginny looked concerned. She bit her lip and frowned, looking straight at me.

My heart skipped about a thousand beats, and I had to break the gaze, fixing my hair behind my ears.

"When did you go to bed last night?" Ginny demanded. "We can't work all day _and_ night, you know." she continued softly.

"Oh." I said, "Don't worry about me, I'm fine."

_I'm fine?_

Ginny sighed, shook her head, and then smiled.

_I_ sighed inwardly.

"Look, why don't you come and sleep in my room tonight, just like the old times?" Ginny asked, "It'll be fun, plus I can check that you actually _go_ to sleep for an acceptable amount of time…" she finished playfully, her eyes lighting up and catching mine's questioningly.

I froze. Sleep in a bed with Ginny? I wanted to but… not for the right reasons. I reprimanded myself silently.

Ginny obviously took this moment of silence as hesitation of being checked up on and looked after.

"Right, it's sorted." she decided with a nod, "You don't want to sleep in Ron's old room anyway. It's so… orange. " she said lamely, with a hint of laughter in her voice.

I smiled in spite of myself, looking around at the old Quidditch posters.

She was correct. I didn't really want to sleep in here… right?

"And," she added gently, "I'm worried about you." Ginny poked me playfully in the upper arm.

Shivers went through my body. The epicentre - where Ginny had just connected with me - ached dully.

"Ow!" I whined, mostly to cover up my body shaking, "That _hurt!"_

"So mature, Hermione!" Ginny laughed, grabbing my wrists that threatened to slap her teasingly.

"Yes, because poking someone in the arm is the height of maturity." I joked, new flutters in my stomach appearing with the link of Ginny's warm hands on my now limp wrists.

Ginny laughed, shrugged and got up. I was secretly disappointed at the bare feeling on my newly-free wrists that she left behind.

"Just come down to the kitchen when your ready," Ginny informed me, " It's just you, me and mum today."

"Save me a seat then." I teased.

Ginny smiled, turned around, and walked out of the room.

I exhaled, slumped back on the bed, and worried.

Could I trust myself in a bed with Ginny again?

---

Evening at the Burrow. Me, 18, and Ginny in her room. It was a hot night, so our bodies were sticky and our pyjama coverage was limited. The bed covers were kicked to the bottom of our legs, and there was only a small sliver of light illuminating our corner of the room.

I was awake, she was asleep, as was the recent pattern of slumber in Ginny's bed.

It wasn't a particularly large bed, in fact it was quite preposterous to have two "fully-grown" witches in such a small space. This had proved both a blessing and a curse to me. I could feel her against me, but then I had to deal with the ever-growing consequences.

Ginny had been facing the wall, and I had been quite contented in gazing at the back of her body and head, the shape of her legs, her t-shirt which had ridden up above her hips giving me a slight glimpse of the even skin on her back, her hair exposing her beautiful neck… Yes, I had been _very _satisfied with the view…

But then she sighed in her sleep and turned over, right into me, her nose a fraction away from my neck, one arm hanging limply over my waist, the other folded into my lower stomach, her legs entwined with mine.

I had stopped breathing. My heart was beating rapidly, my body stiff. I was scared to move in case she woke up and moved, in case she was embarrassed. Slowly, I regained my ability to breathe. As minutes went past, I was getting more and more uncomfortable yet relaxed at the same time. It was… strange.

Eventually, I couldn't take it any longer. I had to touch her, to embrace her back, to feel her breath on my lips…

I had reached out a hand, hardly daring to believe what I was doing, and placed it softly on Ginny's damp hip. The connection of my hand with her bare skin was electrifying.

I shuffled carefully down the pillow until my face was level with her's. It was then that I noticed that the wetness in between my legs wasn't just sweat…

Ginny sighed again, and I had panicked. What had I been thinking? I was trapped now though, so I had shut my eyes and hoped for the best.

What happened next was confusing, exhilarating, unexpected and… beautifully innocent.

I had felt Ginny's lips press against mine. I stiffened once more. Before I could react further, it was all over. Ginny had retreated back slightly, about an inch away from my lips. I opened my eyes in amazement.

Inside, I whimpered . I noticed that Ginny was seemingly asleep. She must have kissed me by accident : she had been dreaming.

Of course! What had I been thinking? I let out a tiny laugh at the huge disappointment I was feeling. I was stupid.

I didn't sleep that night. Ginny had turned over again, like it had all never happened. I went back to being aroused by myself, as usual.

We never spoke of it. I'm not even sure now if it was real.

Yes, I was stupid. But doesn't… it… make you behave like that?


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N : Still More To Come...**

I stood at the door to the kitchen, bracing myself. I took a deep inhalation, fixed a smile on my face, and walked in.

"Oh. Hello, dear!" Mrs Weasley greeted me, pouring me a glass of pumpkin juice and gesturing to a chair opposite Ginny at the table, " How are you?"

The older witch examined me as I sat down. I was slightly embarrassed because I knew I looked tired and worn out.

"Goodness, Hermione, you look dead on you feet! Are you getting enough sleep? Perhaps you would like a coffee…?" asked Mrs Weasley, with the same look of concern as her daughter had had on her face just fifteen minutes ago.

"No, no, I'm fine, really. This is lovely." I remarked, drinking deeply from my glass.

"Don't worry, mum. She's sleeping with me tonight-" Ginny started.

The mother and daughter looked round as I spluttered and choked on my juice.

I looked up, pointed vaguely at my throat, and gasped "Went down the wrong way."

Ginny looked away from me an continued, "Yeah, so, she's in my room tonight. I'll make sure she gets a decent sleep."

I swallowed this time, my face beetroot red. I could be such a child sometimes.

"Won't it be a little cramped?" mused Mrs Weasley, setting down two platefuls of breakfast in front of Ginny and I.

"No, we'll be fine, won't we Hermione? I mean we managed up until we were… 18? Doubt we've grown much in a year…" Ginny joked, smiling at me over a sausage speared on a fork.

I just nodded, not really concentrating on the conversation more just taking the chance to sneak a glance at Ginny while she and her mother weren't looking.

Mrs Weasley joined us eventually with a cup of something hot and steaming. She and Ginny chatted aimlessly and I was deep in thought, about how the night would turn out.

I finished my breakfast absentmindedly, excused myself and went for a walk in the garden, pondering over Ginny for the billionth time in my life.

----

Me, 18, and Ginny in the broom shed at the Burrow. We had often gone there to escape the testosterone filled house only 100 yards away. We normally just sat and talked, maybe about those we'd lost or, fleetingly, the battles we had fought to save our people. _Normally_.

This day though it was raining, and the weather seemed to mirror our moods. The twins had said something that had apparently got to Ginny so she had stormed off into the garden, and I had, of course, followed her. As a friend _would_ do.

I had trailed after her into the medium-sized shed to find her sitting with her head in her hands on an upturned flowerpot. She hadn't even looked up at me when I had came in, she just got up and buried her head in my shoulder.

I had been shocked that Ginny, who was so strong, so brave, was now sobbing into my neck. I had stood still, bemused, for a moment before I realised that I had to do something. But it wasn't that easy when my stomach was threatening to explode.

I had wrapped my arms around her, patting her awkwardly on the back before letting my hands rest uncomfortably. I was scared to swallow, I was scared to breathe. I was scared that she could hear my heart beating much faster than it should have been.

And we just stood there. She had her arms around my neck, her nose, her lips, against my collarbone. I could feel her tears on my skin. She had kept pulling me closer, making me want to groan out loud. Instead, I just hugged her tighter, not wanting to let go, but it was causing me so much pain. I had been so close but…

We just stood there in semi-darkness, among the brooms, the spiders watching us suspiciously.

After what seemed like an eternity, yet still not long enough, she looked up at me. And I had seen the most heart-breaking picture in front of me, her eyes begging for help, for release from her own hurt and depression. I just stared at her. She was shredding my soul into a million insignificant pieces.

And then she had laughed. She had wiped her eyes, finished showing me a glimpse of her inner self. She had shook her head, squeezed my hand, and smiled sadly at me. It was over before we'd even spoken a word.

So we had headed back up to the house together, in thoughtful silence. I had seemed to have calmed her, but I didn't know what I had done exactly. It had been a defining moment in our relationship, we understood each other perfectly without the need to communicate verbally. And it made me want her more.

I had just had one worry in my head at that point in time : If I could read her feelings in her eyes, what had she seen in mine's?

----

I loved the Burrow. I loved to go for walks in it's garden, it soothed me somewhat. But everything in it reminded me of Ginny. Yes, I loved the Burrow, but it tore me apart.

I found my usual seat in a small clearing between a group of tall trees at the furthest point from the house. I just sat, looking around, looking for answers. I rubbed my forehead and eyes with my hand, and sighed. Sighing seemed to come so easily to me now-a-days.

I thought about work, I thought about Ginny, I thought about work with Ginny. How hard it was, how good it was, how painful it was. I thought about why we had to stay at the burrow, as a pit-stop in our duties. I thought about how long it would take for me to break. A year and counting so far.

I lay back, my head on the bare grass, looking through the green leaves of the tree above me to the blue sky splattered with white fluff. It was a glorious day.

I shut my eyes and imagined her, her eyes sparkling mischievously, her hair shining in the sun. I imagined her here next to me, both of us enjoying ourselves, not a care in the world.

And then I laughed. I laughed, and I laughed, and I laughed. For it was the only way to stop me from crying.


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks to those who have reviewed, tis appreciated :D. For now, onwards with the story...**

I collected my things, ready to take them to Ginny's room with me. I felt sick. I was dreading this but I was anticipating it too.

So I closed the door of Ron's room behind me and made my way down to Ginny's room. The walk seemed to fly in to my dismay. I paused at her door, ready to knock-

"Oh! Hi. Why were you standing there?"

I blushed, embarrassed at getting caught by the red-haired witch. I tried to think up a credible excuse but…

"I-I…" I mumbled, nothing coming into my head. Luckily, Ginny put me out of my misery.

"Right, well, come in. I'm going for a shower so just make yourself at home… I'll be back soon." Ginny explained, smiling and brushing past me to get to the bathroom.

I quickly went into her room, leaned against the newly-closed door, and exhaled.

_What an idiot…_

Sighing, I tentatively sat myself on the edge of Ginny's bed, looking round at the room. Nothing had changed since the last time I had been here. Nothing.

I changed into my nightdress, and lay back on Ginny's soft bed, shutting my eyes.

----

Ginny had never been shy. She used to change in front of me all the time, whereas I would go out of my way to hide my body from her.

I had never known where to look when she was getting ready, the blood would rush to my face and I would always make up a barely passable excuse to get out of the room before I blew up.

At first, I had tried to distance myself from her as much as I could, but it was impossible when she wouldn't take no for an answer. I'd say I had to research something, she'd say she'd help. I'd say I had to get some fresh air, she'd say she'd come with me.

I'd say I wanted a swim, and she'd come with me.

This one day, she'd cornered me to ask if I'd wanted to go out for a walk. We were on work business, in a secluded area of the countryside in a Mediterranean area. I, 18, had not been able to think of a good enough excuse so, looking at the lake behind her, I'd said I wanted to go for a swim. Then I mentally slapped myself. I_ hated_ swimming.

Ginny had looked surprised and straight away said she'd join me. My heart had stopped at that. _Me_, playing about in the water with _her_?

She'd dragged me to the edge of the lake, taking off her t-shirt and trousers excitedly, all the while grinning at me to join.

I had gulped. Ginny had jumped straight in. I had mumbled something about second thoughts and danger, but she just rolled her eyes, telling me it was fine, and to come in.

I had reluctantly obliged, shielding myself with a nearby shrub whilst taking off my clothes. I had heard Ginny laughing at how reserved I was. I had stood, in my underwear, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and walked round to sit on the shore of the lake, with my legs dangling into the cold water.

"I dare you." She'd joked, gesturing to the water with one hand.

She'd kicked some water at me. I'd froze, narrowed my eyes, and dropped myself into the water to get her back. She laughed and started swimming out a bit more, stopping before the water got really deep.

I treaded the water uncertainly, my chin bobbing in and out. I must have looked scared, because she swam over to me and grabbed on to my shoulders, treading the water across from me.

I shivered partly from the cold, partly from the closeness of Ginny's semi-naked body to mine, partly from the way she looked ; her hair darkened from the wetness, her eyes standing out even more than usual, the drips making their way down her head to her cheeks to her lips…

I must have been staring, because a miniscule frown appeared on her forehead.

I had muttered something about being cold and wanting to go and get dried up. She had just nodded, leading me over to the shore, climbing out before me and pulling me out after her. I had quickly gathered my clothes, glancing behind me to see Ginny bending over to put her clothes back on.

I gulped.

----

"Oh. You're awake." Ginny noted, smirking at me as I lay on her bed.

I rubbed my eyes and tried to focus. Had I drifted off?

"I suppose you _were_ tired then." She continued. She seemed to be drying her hair off with one towel, another wrapped around her body. "Go back to sleep if you want…"

"No, it's OK." I answered, clearing my throat. My face was threatening to go red again at the sight of Ginny standing there barely protecting her modesty.

I sat up.

"I'm just going to go to the bathroom." I garbled, heading straight for the door without even waiting for an answer. I closed it behind me and headed along to the bathroom, feeling the heat on my cheeks with the back of my hand.

After ten minutes in the bathroom, I felt I had to go back. I gulped and returned to Ginny's room, hoping that she was fully dressed, and hoping that she wasn't.


	5. Chapter 4

"Tell me what's wrong." The younger witch demanded softly.

I had been sitting in silence for the last fifteen minutes, just staring at the wall opposite me. Ginny had, of course, noticed.

"What?" I feigned, pretending to be oblivious, "Nothing."

I wasn't convincing.

Ginny moved over so that she was sitting beside me and looked straight at me. I didn't dare turn around.

"Is it last year, Hermione? It was hard for us all…" She said, a tone in her voice that supported her statement.

"I-I.." I started. I could feel tears welling up inside me already. It wasn't just last year that was making me cry, but I let Ginny think that. It saved me from making another excuse.

She put an arm around me and tangled her fingers in my hair. My chest went tight.

_You're not helping, Ginny…_

I instinctively put my hand around her, and wept into her chest. I automatically wished I hadn't. She just pulled me closer, wrapping her other arm around me protectively, whispering soothing words into my ear. She was killing me.

We stayed like that until I had dried up, until I was so tired that I couldn't keep my puffy eyes open any longer. She lay me down on her bed, pulling the covers over us both, flicking her wand to turn out the light. She held on to me still, and for once I was glad that I was so tired.

----

I awoke the next morning in bed by myself. At first I wondered where I was, but when I realised, I wished I hadn't.

I looked around, quickly spotting Ginny sitting by the window.

The sun illuminated her so much, she looked ghostly. Her hair shined different colours, her legs highlighted by the streaming light. I watched her, glued to the sight of her.

She appeared to sigh. She turned round and looked straight at me, noticing I was awake.

"Morning." she remarked quietly.

"What time is it?" I asked, yawning, and changing position so that I could see her more clearly.

"Erm… quarter past six." She replied. Her voice sounded choked up.

I frowned. She looked like she had been crying.

"Ginny, what's wrong?" I asked sitting up, giving her all my attention.

She looked down as if she didn't really want to divulge to me. I got up and walked over to her, looking at her concernedly.

"It's just… It's just - I feel like you're hiding something from me. You've… changed. Especially lately." Ginny admitted, looking up reluctantly at me.

I stared in disbelief. I didn't think that it was that obvious. Well, I didn't think that it had changed me visibly.

"Hermione," she said weakly, "Tell me."

I shook my head, a hot tear now tracing a path down my cheek.

"I can't."

----

Me, 19, and Ginny, at some party for work at the Ministry.

I had actually been enjoying myself, listening to a joke from some executive. For a moment I had forgotten about her.

The wizard had asked me if I wanted another drink, and I'd said yes, graciously. As I waited, I'd spotted Ginny in the corner, flirting with a random man. I tried not to watch but it was painfully addictive.

A few seconds passed, and she kissed him. It was like I had been stabbed in the heart with a thousand daggers. And the worst thing was, I was expecting it. It wasn't even a surprise.

_I mean why shouldn't she enjoy herself. It's not like we're…_

I had had to get out. I'd pushed through the crowd, and made my way out to the courtyard.

The air was cooling against my face that was hot with anger. I sat down on a concrete step a few yards away from the door.

"You OK?" said a voice from behind me.

I had looked round. It was that wizard, the one with my drink.

"Yes," I had answered, "Sorry to leave you like that. I needed air."

He had sat down and handed me my drink.

"It's fine," he had said, "Now, tell me what's up."

I had had to laugh at his abruptness. But I shook my head.

"Oh, come on," he had replied, "There's obviously something up…?" he asked with the sparkle of questioning in his eyes.

I had wanted to tell him. I had started.

"You know that girl in there with the red hair? She was with a man in black robes…?"

I had had no idea why I was telling him this. But it already felt better.

"Oi! You're needed in there, Alec." a voice had shouted from the door that led back into the party.

"Right!" shouted the man next to me. He had turned to me apologetically, "What was it you were saying?"

"Oh." I had mumbled, suddenly at a loss of confidence, "Nothing."

"Well, if you're sure… You coming back in?" asked the man, standing up and brushing off his robes.

"In a minute." I smiled.

He had looked uncertain, but waved anyway and walked back to the party.

Once he was gone, I had shut my eyes and took a deep drink from my glass.

_Why did things have to be so hard?_

_----_

Ginny just looked disappointed in me, and turned back towards the window.

"I'm sorry." I said simply.

She shook her head.

I felt another tear coming on. Her disapointment was suffocating me.

I apparated into the garden, into the broom shed . Into _our_ broom shed.

I collapsed onto the flowerpot, my head in my hands, my shoulders shaking with self-pity.

I sat like that for a while, just wondering why I had fallen for her so badly.

_Why had she made me fall for her?_

The truth was, she hadn't. She was herself, and I loved it. Simple.

Finally, I dragged myself back up to the Burrow, certain that Mrs Weasley would be wondering why I wasn't at breakfast.


End file.
